June 13, 2015

Jurassic Prime Ministers! A trek through (ancient) Canadian history

Rebel Staff

Jurassic Park fans are excited about the long awaited reboot of the renowned movie franchise as it enters its opening weekend.

Slated to break all kinds of box office records, the film’s release opens 22 years after the original film. 

Hollywood hunk Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard star in the latest version. Jurassic World is a continuation of the first film; the park has been rebuilt and is now open to the public. 

The Rebel takes a creative look into these legendary creatures and tries to find whom their Prime Minister counterpart would be...



Brachiosaurus: Sir John Alexander MacDonald (Conservative, 1867-73, 1878-91)

This dinosaur had a disproportionately long neck, small skull, and was one of the largest dinosaurs to ever walk the earth. It was the very first dinosaur seen in the original film and made moviegoers jaws drop at its sight. The "Father of Confederation" was of course our country’s first Prime Minister; he also has the largest stature among all others.


: Jean Chretien
(Liberal, 1993-2003)

Refined, dainty, quick… carnivorous.  At first glance, you wouldn’t look at Chretien and see scrappy fighter, but those around him shake in their boots because of the "Shawinigan Handshake" he made famous.


Dilophosaurus: John Turner (Liberal, 1984)

In the first Jurassic Park, the Dilophosaurus actually spit poison at the park’s double-crossing computer technician, this dinosaur was built lightweight, fast, with very long teeth. We’ll make the case for John Turner, serving only 79 days; he had Canada’s 2nd shortest tenure as Prime Minister.  He dissolved parliament quickly after being sworn in, then went on to lose the 1984 election in a landslide.


Gallimimus: Sir Wilfrid Laurier (Liberal, 1896-1911)

At first look, the Gallimimus looks like a big ostrich with claws and a tail.  Scientists clock its running speed at 30mph.  Dr. Alan Grant, the protagonist in the first film, noticed how this herd of dinosaurs flocked together following its leader. We’ll give credit to Laurier for bringing the Yukon, Alberta and Saskatchewan into Confederation to enlarge the herd.


Pterodactyl: Lester Bowles Pearson (Liberal, 1963-68)

These winged dinosaurs could fly! They had long and narrow skulls with needle like teeth. The comparison to Pearson is fitting with him being named after Canada’s busiest airport. He also made Medicare universal and created the Canada Pension Plan.


Spinosaurus: William Lyon Mackenzie King (Liberal, 1921-26, 1926-30, 1935-48)

The biggest and fiercest dinosaur had a massive sail on its back, was 50ft long, and could also swim.  The dominant King is the longest-serving Prime Minister; he led our country through World War II, but critics would remind you of his cold demeanour.


: John Diefenbaker
(Conservative, 1957-1963)

One of the most recognizable dinosaurs, the Stegosaurus had distinctive tail spikes and bony plates down its back.  It was an herbivore built to protect itself from larger carnivores.  Diefenbaker had a spine that’s for sure; he went against the grain and stood up for what he believed.  He was the first Prime Minister to appoint a woman Cabinet Minister, he was the first to appoint an Aboriginal person to the Senate and he gave all Aboriginal people the right to vote.


Mosasaurs: Brian Mulroney (1984-93)

Making its debut to the Jurassic Park franchise in the upcoming film, the monstrous crocodile like creature was a foe no one wanted to cross paths with. Mulroney’s massive election win, at the time, was the first Conservative majority in 26 years. He went on to sign the Canada-US Free Trade Agreement and created the hated GST to help the country’s monstrous sized deficit due to years of Liberal government control.


Tyrannosaurus Rex: Pierre Elliott Trudeau (Liberal, 1968-79, 1980-84)

“Tyrant Lizard” from the ancient Greek language, this dinosaur with a “famous” name had a massive skull and long, heavy tail.  The carnivore predator is one of the most well known dinosaurs of all time.  A "famous name" and a ‘tyrant’…. hmm… we can only come up with one name that sounds familiar with – Trudeau.  Fortunately, Justin “isn’t ready for the job yet”, so, we’ll give the ostentatious comparison to his father.


Velociraptor: Stephen Harper (Conservative, 2006-Present)

Raptors have been in all four movies and experts say were highly intelligent with running speeds up to 50mph… they were also the only dinosaur to have an NBA team named after them. We’re not sure about the running speed or the NBA team name, but Harper’s intelligence on issues like the economy, foreign policy and security are far and away ahead of his competitors.

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commented 2015-06-13 20:48:24 -0400
On another note……. Apparently SNN contributor Ray Heard’s daughter has died in some sort of accident. I suggest condolences……..! Thank You all!
commented 2015-06-13 16:15:44 -0400
The classy Louissalaurentasaurus was a classy dino and the last of the rare ‘warm blooded’ mutations.
commented 2015-06-13 14:48:52 -0400
We’re not sure about the running speed or the NBA team name, but Harper’s intelligence on issues like the economy, foreign policy and security are far and away ahead of his competitors.

“Intelligence” is the puke word the left uses to account for their stupid ideology that satisfies a few at the expense of the masses – MOAR taxes anyone?

Harper is by far the “smartest” PM seen in decades – his enemies include political parties, all MSM, the SCOC, the liberal penned constitution, unions, most judges, quebecois radicals, the dozens of george soros funded protest groups, funding programs that keep his enemies live and well (ie: CBC), the UN, Russia (before they try to steal Canada’s Arctic oil) and a socialist US president to name a few – but Harper has courage, boldness, vision and a calming disposition that makes this epic battle of changing Canada for the better seem like a walk in the park.
commented 2015-06-13 14:12:41 -0400
LOVE IT!!! (More specifically the last one)