Hello #Gamergaters! As you’ve probably heard, our new Canadian Prime Minister-designate has spoken out against you.
Maybe it was just overheated campaign rhetoric, but as Lauren Southern points out, Justin Trudeau may be the first ever SJW head of state. As a certain blue hedgehog once said, “That’s no good!”
Is it time for us to put aside our differences and fight as one against Prime Minister WhiteKnight? Yeah, probably not yet.
For now, though, let me set the stage with a short list of video games for conservatives:
Spec Ops: The Line
Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness has borne a trigger warning from leftist academics since before the term existed. Now, experience the psychological unraveling of a soldier in a strange land in a way that Francis Ford Coppola could only have dreamed of!
Take on the ghosts of your former squadmates, give the order to drop white phosphorus and witness the consequences, and choose to retain or lose the last shred of your humanity at the end. Comparable to a modern-day Milgram experiment, The Line will make any skeptic believe in the power of the medium.
The Legend Of Zelda: Majora’s Mask
How’s this for the plot of a Nintendo game: A twisted misanthrope possessed by an ancient evil is bringing about the apocalypse to punish everyone who’s ever treated him badly. You, the unwitting and somewhat unwilling instrument of the unseen forces of good are trapped in a time loop until you fulfill the necessary conditions to save the world.
Creeping dread, fallen civilizations standing as monuments to hubris, and the façade of a happy world refusing to see the danger confronting it.
All things we conservatives can relate to!
Doug TenNapel is the Orson Scott Card of video games, producing classic material but hated by progressive gamers for his, um, aggressively Christian views.
His The Neverhood is a painstakingly claymationed, puzzle-solving Biblical allegory where you navigate the simple, silent Klayman through a fallen Eden while tapping your toes to jazzy, klezmer-y, bluegrassy music. A gleefully silly, deceptively powerful morality fable.
Who hasn’t wanted to build an Art Deco-styled utopia under the sea away from the clutches of government? The Objectivist fantasy is faithfully rendered and deconstructed in this industry game-changer.
Admirers of a world that now exists only in retro posters will marvel at all the mahogany, neon, and Greek statues, thrill at the soundtrack of wartime ditties, and gasp when the city’s creator Andrew Ryan makes his last stand. “A man chooses, a slave obeys!”
Also check out the sequel where a benevolent tyrant with a fondness for John Stuart Mill takes control. The fact that she looks and sounds like Kathleen Wynne will only add to your gaming experience.
Command And Conquer: Red Alert 3
The PC is where you go for immersive strategy game experiences, but the greatest of the great rely not just on gameplay but the scenery-chewing performances of character actors in the cutscenes.
JK Simmons’ turn as the uberhawk President Ackerman is legendary, making you believe that he’s the only man who can save the USA from the twin threats of future-teched Soviets and Japanese nationalists. Played on the thin edge of parody, he’d mop the floor with Donald Trump.
Hearken back to a time when videogames were about rude, crude humour and pure escapism, and “guy with a divinely powered arm beats the crap out of demons” constituted a plot.
Chock-a-block with every conceivable offensive stereotype, bursting with uncut masculinity, and lovingly respectful of the B-movie aesthetic, God Hand is downright heretical in 2015.
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