Feminists, drop your protest posters, because you’ve officially achieved equality.
You’ve proven that you hate femininity and masculinity equally. You might even be marginally more self-loathing than you are man-hating.
So while some people are getting an early start on their Christmas shopping, I’m getting a jump on preventing the inevitable madness. In the next few weeks, feminists will come out — toy guns blazing — attempting to remove any sign of gender from the store shelves.
They claim they want to blur the line of both sexes, but it’s mostly girls who are short-changed. They might see commercials directed at girls and throw up in their mouths. They might revive last year’s #NoGenderDecember hashtag.
So this Christmas, I’m here to say: keep your hands off our toys.
This year, a mom — who calls herself a “fat*ss feminist” — criticized Target’s toy department because signs said, “Building Sets” and “Girls’ Building Sets.” Target bent down and kissed her “fat*ss” by agreeing to stop using the insidious colours of oppression that had previously lined the toy shelves: yellow and pink. Now their toy section is a confusing assortment of skipping ropes nestled up to Pokémon cards.
The gender neutral taskmasters don’t care for the girlish stereotypes; in fact, they seem especially interested in their boys having dolls, like that’s going to right the wrongs. And if you give your boy a doll and he doesn’t Sharpie its face or toss it away within eight hours, then I’ll admit the mission is accomplished.
Why are they trying to make boys more effeminate and girls more boyish? They want to dilute a girl’s maternal instinct for pretty things, playing house, and caring for baby dolls. For weeks, my daughter talked about holding her newborn cousin until she finally had her moment. Then she spent a day telling me how cute the baby was. My boys love their cousin too, naturally, but didn’t have the same enthusiasm.
A famous study measured pupil dilation with men and women, and it found that men’s eyes dilated the most while looking at porn; women’s eyes dilated most when they looked at pictures of babies. Even Barbra Streisand, as a poor little girl, dressed up her hot water bottle into a baby doll. Has a boy ever taken such inventive measures to nurture his inner daddy?
So what are the alternatives to the stereotypes? Some bloggers have made lists of gender neutral toys. Does your child love to bake but detests the color purple? There’s a black Easy Bake Oven. Does your child love blocks but hates the colour pink? There’s a Duplo set with mostly green blocks. Does your kid love puzzles? No? They’re tedious, aren’t they? But they’re gender neutral.
After browsing all these suggested toys, I realized the problem wasn’t the toy. Instead they were putting the blame solely on the colour pink. With the exception of those who hate Disney princesses (unless they’re in a boy’s hands), this toy warfare is condensed to the simple pretty hue called pink.
When I told my daughter I was writing about gender neutral toys, she asked, “What’s wrong with girl toys?”
Without throwing up in my mouth, I said, “Nothing at all.”
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