They have many names. The Beer Barons. The Bay Street Buddies. The Family Compact. The Big Blue Machine. The Unnamed Senior Conservatives Speaking On Condition Of Anonymity. And next on my list of priorities for 2016 is to declare openly against them.
Other provinces have their their Irving families and their PKPs: conspicuous centralizations of power which must be obeyed.
Here in Ontario, where we have perfected the art of being reputation-conscious, our power brokers are like phantoms, secretive apparitions that descend like a fog upon conservative happenings and ruin them utterly before vanishing.
Unlike most fogs, however, they don't descend unannounced. They are assiduously courted by the conservative rank-and-file before every election and extreme care is taken to make sure that they are kept as comfortable as possible.
When the PC Party of Ontario takes a position that's a bit too radical, in through the back channels they go to have a word with the party brass, and no more is heard of it.
When the Toronto Blue Jays show a little too much enthusiasm or when some upstart telecom challenges the Rogers/Bell/Telus supremacy or when that piker Jim Balsillie thinks he's going to start a hockey team in Southwestern Ontario, a frosty "We Are Not Amused" glance sends any errant conservatives who might get any ideas about actual change scurrying back into the fold.
For a long time, this was all the province needed.
Back in the day, these people could be counted on to elect a PC Party government, send a sports team to the playoffs, and produce alcoholic beverages that didn't resemble chilled urine.
And while they can still count on near-total obedience from what passes for Ontario's conservative infrastructure (including a following of young and seemingly well-put together vacant-eyed individuals who converse entirely in talking points and boardroom speak), they've lost their influence over everyone else due to a combination of:
* an inability to deal with, or even express, feelings
* bizarre attempts at "light-heartedness" that display a tenuous grasp on reality at best
* painful levels of whiteness
and worst of all:
* total paralysis when confronted with conflict.
In short, if there were ever a collection of people deserving of the appellation “cuckservative”, it’s this group of blue-blooded bunglers. They are so bad at what they do that they managed to drive the final nail into the coffin off the Alberta PC’s from three provinces away.
Watching that fateful election from afar, I was struck by how much Prentice’s gong show resembled our local PC Party campaigns:
The constant backing off of announcements. The improperly vetted candidates. The eye-rollingly hypocritical pretensions to fiscal prudence. And of course, the bonehead gaffes.
Yet for all that there was a loud and angry bloodletting after the Alberta PC’s crumbled into oblivion. Whereas here you get chest-thumping editorials from the PR minions talking about how proud they were to lose and the same sort of babble about “rebuilding” that, not so coincidentally, follows the yearly Leafs or Jays collapse.
Well, finally there may be a reckoning of sorts for these Upper Canadian upper-class twits.
For it is looking increasingly like the two conservative paper chains in the country -- you know, the ones which are constantly taking on water -- are going to finally go under, leaving this great nation of ours with only The Rebel to stand as a proud conservative alternative to the Media Party.
And once that happens, Canada’s cuckservatives will be following our lead instead of the other way around. Who can say -- we might have to start posting a stock ticker atop my columns!
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