December 02, 2015

The 5 most problematic things about Christmas (if you're a progressive)

Lauren SouthernArchive

We just about survived Halloween this year. Schools banned “offensive” costumes, kids were told they couldn’t dress up as their own culture, and people were shamed for “cultural appropriation”.

Yet no arrests were made, Halloween was not cancelled, and the triggered students went back to their safe spaces while the rest of us had fun.

But now we have a whole different challenge: Christmas.

Everything about December is problematic for progressives and social justice warriors.

Every year they spend the entire holiday season complaining. Whether it’s Christianity, cultural appropriation or capitalism, they always find something.

In past years this has been called the “War Against Christmas.” There has been a focus on the phrase “Merry Christmas,” saying it discriminates against non-Christians and should be banned. Christmas music has been secularized to be more politically correct with changes in lyrics to songs like “Silent Night”, and people always manage to complain about sexism and capitalism every year as well.

Anita Sarkeesian put out a video on supposedly “creepy and sexist” Christmas songs a few years ago. She included favourites like “Santa baby,” which is supposedly problematic for portraying women as “materialistic and shallow,” and “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” for reinforcing “harmful gendered stereotypes in children’s toys.”

I never realized how harmful wanting diamonds or getting a Barbie doll was.

Then of course there’s always the controversy of retailers banning the phrase “Merry Christmas” and replacing it with the more politically correct “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s Greetings." Retailers like Walmart, Macy’s and Sears have all changed their greetings in years past, and Target has banned the word “Christmas” in promotional material previously as well.

This year the same controversies will repeat themselves: people will boycott stores, employees will be fired over greetings. Hippies will whine about capitalism, and religious songs will be replaced by secular ones. This is all to be expected, and Christmas usually pulls through.

I predict this year will see a lot more than just these controversies. With the ever-multiplying insanities of social justice warriors, I have to expect they’ll go for bigger and more ridiculous targets.

Christmas in all it’s glorious traditionalism will be a perfect target for them to deconstruct. Like everything they touch, it’s never about building culture and always about destroying it.

Here are some of the things I expect SJW’s to get triggered about this holiday season:



1. Santa being a straight white male

Santa has white skin, a white beard, wears fluffy white bobbles, and is surrounded by white snow. He's the perfect target for race-obsessed social justice warriors. Santa is also an arbiter of morality, judging the behaviour of little boys and girls. He isn’t even inclusive of agender individuals. Typical white cis scum.

Not to mention that Santa has a personal sweatshop full of what appears to be pygmy slaves – calling them “elves” doesn't excuse the crime! Santa should be changed to a genderfluid asexual Asian womyn whose toys are made by a factory of kidnapped straight white men. Take that, patriarchy! #feminism





2. Mistletoe is literally rape culture

Men use mistletoe as a means to control women and force them into feeling obligated to kiss them. Rapist males are known to sit under mistletoe all day long during the holidays, while women everywhere feel trapped, unable to move out of fear of walking under doors. Don’t you dare say this ever happens the other way around, you sexist. Appallingly, patriarchal traditions dictate that no one is ever allowed to say no to kissing someone under the mistletoe.

Mistletoe needs to be banned.

3. Snow MEN & Gingerbread MEN

Luckily we are already starting to see a cultural shift on a small level to change snow and gingerbread “men” to genderless individuals. It’s extremely patriarchal and male-centric to have anything labelled as a man. The tradition of building snow WHITE men outside your houses is also violently racist and sexist. Hopefully this year snow and gingerbread men will be banned, with only genderless equivalents allowed.

(How dare these not be gluten-free as well.)




4. Christmas Trees

Christmas trees are a part of a corrupt consumer culture that doesn’t care at all for the environment. It's just another example of unworthy, impure humans putting their selfish and capitalistic desires before Mother Earth.

What right do we have to remove a tree from the tender embrace of Gaia, simply for decoration? That tree had a life, a future, a family. This is just one of the many ways that Christmas destroys the environment.




5. Elves

Elves are possibly the most problematic thing on this list, I don’t even know where to begin. Our culture has fully accepted that it’s ok for Santa to enslave short people in sweatshops. They’re just enslaved midgets being forced to create gendered toys, and never being given an education or an opportunity to pursue their dreams.

Also, we fetizhize dwarfism by putting elves in cute little outfits and pretending that they’re magical. It’s kind of like how white guys treat Asian women. We should follow Hermione Granger's example, and insist on Elvish rights now. #ElfLivesMatter


I could go on. It's remarkably easy to pretend everything is racist, sexist or homophobic. Many of the items on my list may seem like ridiculous jokes that will never happen. But, amazingly, some of them already have. In 2000 The Telegraph wrote a story on a professor who did a five year study on snowmen. Her conclusion? Snowmen are “old-fashioned symbols of gender discrimination.” You can’t make this stuff up.

Plenty of articles have also been written discussing the environmental impact of Christmas trees. With one from ZME Science concluding that to not hurt the environment you should “decorate your house, maybe get some fallen branches, whatever… just don’t get a tree.”

Thankfully no one has gone as far as trying to get snow men, Christmas trees or mistletoe banned yet. This year who knows what will happen though, for once, there may be an actual war on Christmas.

It’s so much easier destroying culture than it is working to create it. Christmas oppresses poor people without chimney’s. Coal being black is problematic. Buying gifts supports capitalism. Family dinners are oppressive to people without families. A list of “good or bad boys and girls” is meritocratic and gender binary.

None of these things are real problems. Even if someone is offended by a holiday practice, society shouldn’t have to change to reflect their feelings. It’s up to that person to find a solution or a different way of celebrating. The world is not your safe space, and the holidays are one of the last traditions we still have in western society. The Christmas holidays are one of the unique and beautiful aspects of western culture – and personally, I think the world should feel free to appropriate it too.

I know I’ll be eating gingerbread men, kissing under the mistletoe, cutting down a tree, and enjoying stereotypical female gifts this holiday. You’ll hear my car blasting traditional Christmas tunes as I drive by the snowmen on people's lawns. I’ll enjoy every minute of this holiday, while you’re sitting at Starbucks drinking your non-fat genderless pumpkin spice latte complaining about non-issues on Tumblr.

I will also certainly be using the phrase “Merry Christmas."

Enjoy your Holidays, and despite the South Park-esque insanity of our era, I’m confident Christmas will make it out alive.



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commented 2015-12-18 17:15:49 -0500
When the first Happy Holidays or Season Greetings, B.S. starts my wife and I fire up a boisterous “Merry Christmas” at every opportunity, in hopes of upsetting or pissing off some deranged PC Prog. Being in Southern Texas, “Feliz Navidad” works pretty well also. To the all the hard working Rebel staff, the great contributors to the Megaphone and ALL the Rebel supporters and folks who comment, a very Merry Christmas.
commented 2015-12-07 03:48:13 -0500
Oh come on Lauren, you are still not cynical enough. You are forgetting about the soup kitchens serving Christmas dinner, and the food banks collecting Christmas hampers. It is only a matter of time before political correctness bans these two things from happening.

PS: Don’t forget to put a can opener in the hamper.
commented 2015-12-04 00:10:33 -0500
I wonder if they would be mad at the grinch and scrooge, seeing as they are more down their isle.
commented 2015-12-03 15:34:06 -0500
It’s more and more apparent that being a progressive is ultimately a socialized form of narcissism—a small group of individuals is so offended they believe that everyone else must change their behaviour in order to accommodate progressives concerns. “Live and let live” is an impossibility for such people as it relegates their righteous indignation unto irrelevance. It’s the continuing celebration of the victim complex which necessitates the perpetual perception of injury, which of course leads to more and more absurd contrivances once the old ones have been whitewashed to inoffensive obscurity. If you’re not a victim in this narrative, you’re probably white, probably a Christian, and probably male. To all of this, I say Merry Christmas!
commented 2015-12-03 14:35:12 -0500
25 or 30 years ago this would have been a hilarious skit on SNL or something – today, it’s a surrealistic nightmare of reality…
I called up my local grocery store and told a manager who I was and asked if they were going to be celebrating Christmas this year with ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘Happy Holidays’, because if they were going with the PC Xmas thing I was taking my business elsewhere and telling all my friends why. If on the other they were sticking with the traditional Canadian Christmas, then I would continue to shop there and tell all my friends.
He said he’d have to get back to me…
commented 2015-12-03 05:44:02 -0500
Since Black Friday is racist and is about oppressing Blacks and the decedents of slaves, Boxing Day will be verboten because it represents violence and glorifies pugilism, which is a form of disguised violence against women. Oh, right, the word “women” is also verboten because it implies ownership by evil White men.

Well, Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah everyone!
commented 2015-12-03 02:34:47 -0500
Do progressives ever get any joy out of life?
commented 2015-12-02 22:54:28 -0500
Next time someone says : Happy Holidays
Make a puzzled face and ask : Which Holidays?
Watching the SJW warp their atrophied brain will be priceless. ;-)
commented 2015-12-02 22:01:50 -0500
Where have all the people gone? Real people, that is.
commented 2015-12-02 20:45:48 -0500
Lauren Southern sure makes me smile when she says she “wanted diamonds but got a Barbie.”
commented 2015-12-02 20:36:52 -0500
Merry Christmas Lauren! Great column. Made me laugh. Hopefully Santa stays out of Turkish airspace this Christmas!
commented 2015-12-02 19:19:44 -0500
Merry Christmas!
commented 2015-12-02 16:58:52 -0500
Lauren Southern said, “kissing under the mistletoe”

Really! You don’t say. Hmmm… where did I put that mistletoe! ;o)