March 03, 2016

Justin and Dustin return: Super Tuesday edition

Joshua LiebleinRebel Blogger

Super Tuesday has happened and all the real journalists are just getting over the shock of Trump's wins (because, you know, it wasn't completely predictable at all), so it's a perfect time to check back in with our two lovable scamps, JUSTIN and DUSTIN, and see how the fallout has affected them.

JUSTIN has chalked Trump's victory up to "white people." He isn't saying it too loudly, just a couple of tweets and Facebook posts written entirely in lowercase letters. Something to the effect of: "srsly, f**k white people."

Meanwhile, DUSTIN has gotten himself attached to a CPC leadership campaign that is NOT Kevin O'Leary's. So far, he has been given lists of talking points explaining why his candidate is the best candidate and he is busily engaged in proving the other candidate's talking points wrong.  

Is his candidate a woman? That means no women will vote for any other candidate besides his, because it's the current year, LOL.

Is his candidate a mom with kids in addition to being a woman? Awesome! Among women, kids beats no kids every time! Better get lots of pictures and quotes about how amazing being a mom with kids is! But make sure she never looks tired, or angry, because nobody wants to be reminded about how hard being a mom with kids can be.

JUSTIN can't understand how John Oliver's monologue from a few days ago didn't completely derail Trump's campaign. Everyone HE knows thought it was devastating. Why, he complains loudly, are Trump supporters immune to reason and snark? Why don't they just lay down and accept how wrong they are, like conservatives always do?

DUSTIN, for his part, can't understand why all the biased journalists want to keep talking about the 2015 election. That was a whole almost 6 months ago! Mistakes were made and the voters had their say and now it's time for everyone to just pretend like the whole thing never happened!

JUSTIN and DUSTIN are actually in perfect agreement that the Trump phenomenon cannot happen here. For one thing, Trump has something that can be described as hair on the top of his head, while Kevin O'Leary has NO hair on the top of his head. You see? They are TOTALLY different.


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