Dear Les Moonves,
It’s summertime and so I know you must be finalizing your roster of churlish Chads and sultry Stacys who will stroll around a mansion and gossip for three months while millions of us "fangirl" over them online. We love it as a guilty pleasure, but when it comes to reality TV, you can do so much better than Big Brother 20:
Take a tip from Disney and do a Big Brother on Ice, or more precisely, Big Brother on ICE.
You’ll get a bit of heat from your lefty friends, Les, but I think you’ll find that Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents can be just as creative and captivating as your past reality stars.
They did, after all, recently take captive over 100 gardening and landscaping workers suspected of being illegal by luring them in with donuts before storming the facility with helicopters and canine units.
Just think of the cinematic potential. Your camera crew would follow 16 ICE agents on their quest to “catch ‘em all” with agents receiving points per illegal alien rounded up, as well as style points doled out for strategic ingenuity and general hilarity. Execute a successful lure with powdered goodies? +5. Stealthily swoop in with an aircraft-lowered giant fishing net? +10. Beat out your rivals in depriving an illegal’s family of the most unlawfully-earned household income? +15. Just kidding, I’m not a monster. Let them keep getting paychecks.
Sure, losing our borders is bad but can you imagine the irreparable damage our country would suffer should a photo of an illegal crying a few tears get leaked to the press?
My artistic vision for the show is best summed up as "Cops on crack" with a pinch of Hunger Games. We’ll scrap the “Bad Boys” theme. It’s a classic, sure, but On ICE would be much better served by “Boulevard of Broken DREAMers,” a massive middle finger to the vehemently anti-Trump Green Day, or even just a happy-go-lucky “Party in the USA” slapped on the crying-illegals-bused-out-of-the-country title sequence.
Big Brother on ICE will feature many of the same gimmicks from the original series, but slightly repurposed. For instance, there will be no mansion where people leech food, electricity, and other resources to which they aren’t entitled: the whole United States already serves that purpose!
Second, there will be a lot more of those hanging-on-the-wall endurance competitions, only water won’t be the only thing shot at contestants.
Third, the only jury will be this document called the U.S. Constitution and the only verdict will be deportation.
Zingbot, the robot who delivers scintillating burns to players followed by “ZING,” will certainly make a comeback, though with slightly rejiggered sallies:
“Hey Jose, better enjoy the cocktail bar while you can because you’ll be staring at slightly different bars if you come back here again. ZING.”
“Hey Sofia, you’re looking mighty fine -- mind if I get those digits? Oh, I meant your social security number; put your hands where I can see them. ZING.”
“Hey Charles, what’s your real name? ZIIIING.”
Oh hi, Julie Chen! I know you’re peeking over your husband’s shoulder right about now and saying, “How can a columnist who’s so cute also be so cruel!?” And this demonization of law and order — albeit with a theatrical twist, in my case — is precisely what’s wrong with the media. Why cringe away from, to borrow a few words from the left’s book, “glorifying” and “romanticizing” justice? And don’t worry about your job, Julie: I’ll still let you host this series.
Honestly, do you guys know what Mexico does to its illegals? Try a felony rewarded by two years imprisonment, ten if you come back after getting deported. Mexico is very tolerant of foreigners, unless those foreigners don’t advance Mexico’s “economic or national interests,” demonstrate “contempt against national sovereignty,” disrupt “the equilibrium of the national demographics,” or are “not found to be physically or mentally healthy.” Yeah, um, imagine if predominantly-white America adopted a demographic equilibrium law.
As for physical and mental health, scrawny Antifa members can likely still be found sipping pure soy extract between fifteen slumbering homeless dudes at your local Starbucks.
Listen, Les: I’ve got two jobs and a whole host of vexatious e-girls to block on Twitter, but if you need a producer for Big Brother on ICE, don’t hesitate to slide into my DMs. Heck, I’ll do it for free! But you’d better hurry up and pay me royalties before Fox does if you want to poach some of those conservative viewers.
So yes, Les, you could feed your sheeple yet another summer of booze and bikini-packed debauchery, or you can take a walk on the wild side.Your wife always urges viewers to “be a fly on the wall” by paying extra for live feeds. It’ll be worth the ratings, but you’ll have to make a deal with the deal-master himself if you want a camera on this Wall.