Am I a sadist if the entity whose pain and suffering I find so delicious is not a person, but instead a callous and corrupt corporation?
Is the pure, childlike glee I get out of watching it squirm any more justified if this corporation scams users out of a hundred bucks for common hardware like mice and styluses?
These are questions I found myself asking while reading President Trump’s tweet to tech titan Apple last weekend:
“Apple prices may increase because of the massive Tariffs we may be imposing on China - but there is an easy solution where there would be ZERO tax, and indeed a tax incentive. Make your products in the United States instead of China. Start building new plants now. Exciting! #MAGA”
I’m not necessarily pro-tariff, but I am pro-tormenting the powers that be. You see, Apple was not too pleased at the U.S. Trade Representative’s proposal to slap a 25 per cent tax on $200 billion in goods imported from China.
“Our concern with these tariffs is that the U.S. will be hardest hit, and that will result in lower U.S. growth and competitiveness and higher prices for U.S. consumers,” the #4 Fortune 500 corp laments in a letter to the Trade Rep office, admitting that it would be just dandy to hold the American populace hostage if it means clinging to that extra buck or two.
The company goes on to list several affected products, but what Apple neglects to say is that these tariffs apply to products bought only by coastal chumps who treat even buying as a sort of performative act, a virtue signalling of class and trendiness, and a contest to see who can bow the deepest and kiss the rear end of Big Tech the longest.
I mean, who honestly needs a $230 Apple Watch? If I, working two jobs, still have the energy to wrestle my phone out of my skinny jeans pockets to check the time, so can you.
*(Intellectually) castrated lib voice* “Oh but Shimshock, it can track your heart rate.” Well, if you’re that keen on buying an overpriced fitness band to share such an intimate piece of info with a virtually unaccountable tech tyrant, be my guest. But you’ll have to fork over a few dollars more so that the fat cats at Apple can maintain their 38 per cent profit margin, one that’s over three times higher than that of the average S&P company.
If enacted, Trump’s tariffs would also hike the price of the Apple Pencil, which can currently be yours for just $100. Pay no attention to those Negative Nancies who whine that you have to charge the thing, something even the Nintendo DS stylus from over a decade ago didn’t need.
But seriously, I doubt anyone with actual sense would despair if that little trinket were AutoCorrected out of existence. As for the senseless...who knew that the president would be able to cripple both communist and cosmopolitan cranks in one fell swoop? I feel like a kid in a candy store!
And let’s be real: this couldn’t have happened to a more deserving company.
I can’t tell you how many times I feel like deliberately giving my two year old iPhone 5S the real “screenshot,” i.e. one of those permanent spider web screen designs, typically after keyboard lag, Music app glitches, battery death after a mere couple of hours, and voicemail buffering.
If I weren’t so hopelessly lazy, I’d ditch it for one of those exploding Samsungs. I’ve always fancied spicing up my everyday activities with a bit of potentially lethal thrill. It’s why I report on Antifa and make the D.C. commute without checking IsMetroOnFire.com.
I’ll never try another “update,” either. One of my biggest conspiracy theories is that Crapple employs a mostly useless class of “software engineers” who, to justify their $100,000+ per year gigs, routinely roll out stupid aesthetic quirks that either don’t address or exacerbate actual functionality issues. Maybe the 6,842nd Safari “fix” can feature a different sort of bug hunting — the extermination via mass layoffs of this entire class of professional leeches. “You’re fired!”
It would be quite the experiment, though we already know how much Apple values that aspect of technology. While Microsoft encourages user experimentation with program optimization, self-help hardware modification, etc., Apple remains one of the most closed technologies, imposing a distinctly authoritarian user experience.
The customization side of the equation aside, Apple values customer feedback so much, they’ve even taken the time to turn off the comment section on their YouTube channel.
So sure, forcing Apple to open U.S. manufacturing plants is a distant prospect, but Trump’s tariffs bear the scrumptious fruit of making life just a little rougher for commies and the exploitative, exasperating, and excrement-quality corporation that props them up. It’s maybe the second best thing, after putting all Apple developers on airplane mode from now until Judgment Day… is there an app for that?