There is a type of man who marries not for love, but for money. For the sake of this story, let us give him a name. We’ll call him Party Conservative.
He's married to Cultural Conservative, but over the past few years he's considered leaving her.
His fair-weather friend Tory Rouge has been telling him from the beginning that he did not need her, that he could find a better wife.
And his frenemy Government Television told him that being with Cultural made him unCanadian.
Party did not want to undergo the kind of divorce that happened to his parents -- Progressive Conservative and Reform Conservative. After that divorce, Progressive was no longer allowed conjugal visits with his preferred mistress, Governance.Instead, Progressive had had to settle for Opposition. Progressive convinced himself, with the help of his fair-weather friends and frenemies, that if he left Cultural, he could propose to Governance and they would live happily ever after.
Party Conservative really loved Governance, too, just like his father did.
At first, Party simply flirted, but eventually he starting asking for phone numbers. Cultural heard the rumours, but Ineffective Leader told her that if she stayed quiet, Party would never leave her. She listened.
Under this arrangement, Party Conservative could be with Governance, too.
But then one day, when Governance rejected Party Conservative for a fling, Party kicked down the door to Cultural’s room and screamed, “It’s all your fault!"
Then Party started calling those numbers he had collected.
Those calls mostly went unanswered, but Libertine picked up the phone one night when she was bored. She did not particularly enjoy their night together, but still whispered in Party's ear that if he left Cultural for good, she -- Libertine -- would help him win back Governance and they could all be happy together.
Word got around about this dalliance, and eventually Cultural felt she had to confront Party about it. Party promised it would never happen again.
Party clearly felt that he'd had Cultural under his thumb all this time. She'd been treated so poorly over the years, why would she take her money and leave now?
But Cultural knows if she lets this fling with Libertine slide, that there would be more slights to come.
Party had not gotten so desperate that lonely Saturday night that he'd called Dr. Baby Killer or Dr. 1-800-Suicide -- not yet -- but Cultural knew they'd be on Party’s speed dial if he thought they would help trick Governance into coming back.
Does she stick around for rejection on the installment plan?
Or does she grow a spine and leave his sorry…?