Is there anything more pathetic than a Canadian political scandal?
Defining a Canadian political scandal as even properly being a scandal strains credibility. In other countries, the stuff that passes for scandal here wouldn’t even rate. Murder, assault, abuse, people losing their livelihoods - these are proper scandals. Pretty much every Canadian political scandal ever involves someone misspending or misappropriating money and then ham-fistedly trying to cover it up, which is hard to distinguish from routine incompetence and/or dishonesty. In any other situation, the incompetent and/or dishonest person is disciplined and that’s the end of it.
In Canada, however, there is the same contemptible try-hard effort to prove that we can scandal just as good as anyone else, the same way we try to show the world that we can do television or movies or sports or literature with the best of them and don’t even halfway convince ourselves -much less the global community- that we can do these things.
This manifests in a peculiar type of insanity with very specific symptoms:
-People unironically use the phrase “billion-dollar boondoggle”
-Journalists climb over each other for the rights to write books which nobody will buy or read about the scandal
-Opposition parties drop all pretense of trying to show how they’d run the province or country better than the sad sacks currently in charge and affect real and/or fake outrage over whatever has happened, trying to convince confused and disinterested voters that the world is ending
-Details of dreary courtroom proceedings (what kind of suit was Nigel Wright wearing???) are reported as though it’s a production of Inherit The Wind when in reality it doesn’t even rate with a rerun of Law and Order.
In short, people are trying to make it seem like this stuff matters. It doesn’t.
A scandal that requires a book to explain properly isn’t worth getting excited about.
A scandal where the suspects can claim with a straight face that they didn’t know what was going on is not worth getting excited about.
A scandal where the people making accusations of wrongdoing are just as shady as the people being accused is not worth getting excited about.
No, I’ll tell you what is worth getting excited about, what the real scandal is: These lawyers, politicians, and journalists are feeding off each other in a bizarre love triangle, a massive orgy of underachieving gatekeepers and turnkeys who think the circus they are running could and should compete with whatever the Kardashians are up to for the attention of Canadians.
If they must waste their time and our money on useless spectacles, then the very least that we are owed is an entertaining useless spectacle and we can’t even get that.
No, Canadians cannot even be the best (or worst, as it were) in the world when it comes to failing despite having so much potential. Think of how many great failures are being passed over in favour of mediocre ones, out of a misplaced Canadian sense of fairness!
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