As we all must know by now, the Oscars this year has become a raging hotbed of racism, misogyny, homophobia and transphobia!
These old, white, male, classist, cis-gendered villains want nothing more than to keep all minorities down, and continue their oppressive regime.
These sinister members of the Academy have shown us that they select films based on quality, as opposed to films based on who is struggling the most. It’s blatant elitism!
As a response to this disgraceful, disrespectful, dishonest, disheartening display of disgust towards the disenfranchised, I have crafted a scoreboard to keep track of this revolting ceremony, and show what the only, morally righteous winners should be.
It’s similar to a drinking game, but because Muslims cannot drink, it would be Islamaphobic of me to include alcohol in this game. Instead, if they pick the wrong winner, participants must light Twitter up with at least 100 angry tweets towards the Academy. Use hashtags like #OscarsSoWhite #OscarsSoSexist and #OscarsSoMaleDominatedItTriggersMe!
If they give the Oscar to the right candidate, then we can celebrate by patting ourselves on the back until our fragile arms hurt. Finally, if the Academy gets it right for all eight of the categories below, we must write an angry blog post complaining that the Academy only chose those winners because they were shamed into it, and that nothing has changed, because America is still a horrible, horrible place.
"The Big Short"
"Bridge of Spies"
"Mad Max: Fury Road"
Mad Max is the only reasonable choice for this award. As a feminist, this film appeals to me, because it has a woman in a leading role tackling the patriarchal rape culture of a post-apocalyptic world. #Justice!
Adam McKay, "The Big Short"
George Miller, "Mad Max: Fury Road"
Alejandro González Iñárritu, "The Revenant"
Lenny Abrahamson, "Room"
Tom McCarthy, "Spotlight"
As the only NON WHITE up for this category, the choice is simple. If the Oscars want to show us how inclusive they are, they MUST pick Alejandro González Iñárritu. Any other choice would be clear #RACISM!
Bryan Cranston, "Trumbo"
Matt Damon, "The Martian"
Leonardo DiCaprio, "The Revenant"
Michael Fassbender, "Steve Jobs"
Eddie Redmayne, "The Danish Girl"
Eddie Redmayne playing a transgender person warms my heart. He’s kicking down gender barriers and fighting the transphobic establishment. Of course, it’s frustrating that he’s a white male, but Hollywood just isn’t ready for a transgender person of colour. #OscarsSoWhite
Cate Blanchett, "Carol"
Brie Larson, "Room"
Jennifer Lawrence, "Joy"
Charlotte Rampling, "45 Years"
Saoirse Ronan, "Brooklyn"
This was a tough choice. All these candidates are beacons of feminism; however, I have to go with Cate Blanchett who plays a lesbian woman. Heterosexuality is a regressive power structure that harms equality! #LoveWins
Best Supporting Actor
Christian Bale, "The Big Short"
Tom Hardy, "The Revenant"
Mark Ruffalo, "Spotlight"
Mark Rylance, "Bridge of Spies"
Sylvester Stallone, "Creed"
Completely and utterly repulsive choices here. FIVE old, straight, white, hetero, cis-gendered men? I’ve never been so triggered in my life! The mere existence of separate categories for men and women screams patriarchy. White men are celebrated every day, so I refuse to acknowledge any of these candidates, because doing so is racist and sexist.
Best Supporting Actress
Jennifer Jason Leigh, "The Hateful Eight"
Rooney Mara, "Carol"
Rachel McAdams, "Spotlight"
Alicia Vikander, "The Danish Girl"
Kate Winslet, "Steve Jobs"
Carol needs to win again, because these women did such a remarkable job portraying a lesbian relationship. Sure the movie was bad, but that doesn’t stop us from making social justice a reality. Homophobia exists, therefore Rooney Mara must win. It’s that simple!
Best Original Screenplay
"Bridge of Spies"
"Straight Outta Compton"
As a social justice warrior fighting for civil rights, it was insulting to see that the movie "Straight Outta Compton" wasn’t nominated for Best Picture. Although I’ve never met any members of the Academy in my life, that doesn’t stop me from making sweeping characterizations about them. Clearly these people who I don’t know anything about are racist.
So what if "12 Years a Slave" won 2 years ago? So what if "Selma" was nominated for Best Picture last year? Clearly since then, their white guilt has worn off. We all know that progress in the black community can only be measured by what films receive Oscars. It would be a terribly sad day if this film doesn’t win.
Best Adapted Screenplay
"The Big Short"
Finally, we have "The Big Short" which takes a sledgehammer to the capitalist system. These rich 1% animals made millions off hard-working Americans. We all know that this would never happen in a socialist society. It’s time to stand up against classism!
So that’s what the winners on Sunday night will look like, if the Academy Awards wants to attempt to redeem itself from it’s dark, depressing reputation as a hard right, neo-conservative, regressive institution run by Hollywood elite millionaires.