Sporting a wide grin after having its guts spilled and a knife rammed up and down its face, the jack-o’-lantern really is the perfect avatar for young’uns seeking the fleeting fun that follows the twin barrage of Halloween candy and cocktails on their fragile forms.
Of course, come morning, jack-o’-lanterns are thrown in the trash, their rotting carcasses clearly unfit for public consumption. The same can’t be said for the vacuous vessels who stumble from dawn to dusk, drone-like, pining for that next sweet fix.
But this isn’t some lame, boomer-tier lecture about letting your kids binge on Kit Kats or -- Heaven forbid! -- a bid for the 21st Amendment to replace that little “8” repealing the booze-banning 18th with, say, a “9.”
No. As any zealous accelerationist knows: the best thing to do when society is spinning out of control is to hop on-board, add your extra weight and energy to the momentum, and enjoy the ride. So without further ado, here are my top five memeable Halloween costumes.
With a $27 million net worth and more Grand Slam wins than any player in the past half-century, you are very oppressed and not afraid to let others know.
Halloween Serena will need to channel their inner serenity into acts truly becoming a world-class athlete, such as yelling at the party host, attacking anyone dressed as a linesman, and smashing racquets when you don’t get your way.
Harassment, assault, and property damage shouldn’t mean much to hordes of media outlets and celebrities just salivating to defend you...so long as you don't pull a Megyn "Blackface" Kelly.
4. Hillary Clinton (in Texas)
Even if you bring your best cackle and broomstick, and go around banshee-like berating poor Secret Service agents, and committing primary election thievery like a vampire, don’t assume you’ll be recognized, since the state struck her from K-12 history curriculum.
3. Credible Kavanaugh Accuser
*description not available*
2. Weather Channel Hurricane Crisis Actor
You’ll need a hooded jacket, baggy pants, and topkek acting skillz to usher in Tropical Storm Fake News. Get ready to stand your ground against brutal 0.5 mph wind gusts each time a door opens for trick-or-treat, or another catsuit NPC passes you at the party. Speaking of which...
For the woefully deprived, hopefully, small portion of my audience that does not yet reside on 4Chan, let me explain: An NPC is a “non-playable character.” Like video game bots, NPCs spew the same tedious, formulaic statements every time you’re unfortunate enough to have to talk to them: “I absolutely love Katy Perry.” “Great weather today, huh?” It is rumored that NPCs have no internal monologue.
(If you are truly ascended, like Hamlet or me, you have an external monologue that may or may not come to a sudden halt when someone else enters the room.)
You won’t need to exert much effort pulling off the NPC costume. Your programmer will have already uploaded a whole dozen or so ready-made lines like “No Trump, no KKK, no fascist USA,” as well as scripts allowing you to effortlessly tail wrongthinking politicians on a variety of maps. Black-clad NPCs come factory-made with code to initiate attacks on innocent bystanders, supplemented with prompts reading:
if ratio of NPC vs. Trump supporters is greater than 5:1
then attack.bike_lock or attack.girly_punch
Should you suffer a fright, such as, instead of being asked about the new Katy Perry album, actually having to talk about something of substance, fear not: all NPCs come equipped with an escape function to Twitter, where you will presumably not get called an NPC once their new “dehumanization”policy takes effect. So long, metaphors! Sorry, but you lead to genocide.