March 23, 2016

“Ladies love to exaggerate!” The top 5 myths about childbirth

Gavin McInnesArchive

I'm a dad, so that automatically makes me an expert on everything related to pregnancy and labour.


Women LOVE to exaggerate how horrible it is to have a baby, but come on:

Contractions are basically just a series of really big bowel movements, right?

And men: I've got some tips for you on how to get through your wife's annoying behaviour while she's having your baby!

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commented 2016-03-31 01:02:11 -0400
Are these morons getting ACTRA scale?
commented 2016-03-25 01:54:32 -0400
If men were able to give birth, North America wouldn’t have been discovered yet. The analogy of passing a watermelon is quite accurate, and I tore the pillow with my teeth. ooch.
commented 2016-03-24 18:13:40 -0400
My older sister and I were pregnant at the same time. I had my son in late August and she had her son at the beginning of November. I was with her for her delivery, when the nurse leaned over her for some reason, and my sister was just having a contraction, and she grabbed the nurses hand. You should have seen the look of indignation on the nurses face, and my sister didn’t release her death grip until the contraction was over. Needless to say that the Doctor and I had a good laugh at the nurses predicament. I’ll bet that she never got that close to another woman in labour!

This is the same sister who when she was 4, had to have her finger pricked for a blood test, and right at the last minute, she pulled her hand away, and the nurse pricked herself!
commented 2016-03-24 10:50:59 -0400
I’ve got seven boys ranging in age from 25 to 11 (a set of twins in the mix) and three grandchildren. My fourth grandchild is due at any moment. It is my third son and his wife’s first baby. Lol, they keep calling me up every day and asking me questions. They’ve got all the bottles sterilized, the baby clothes and blankets disinfected, the floors aseptic. They keep telling me how their baby will grow up with this, that and the other thing, how they will do everything differently for baby boo. Well, I just have to laugh to myself when I get off the phone and mumble, “Yeah sure, and then the little fuckers will grow up and become big fuckers where nothing you thought they would do, they do , and what attitude and mischief you thought would never happen, happened.”

P.S. I just stopped doing my thirteen year old twins laundry recently as I am not raising man babies. They got cocky and said that when they grow up they’re going to have a maid. Snickers, yeah that’s what my 23 year old said and now he cooks, cleans and does his own laundry while attending college in the hospitality program. Well anyhow, their laundry is still sitting in their baskets and I believe they’ve been wearing the same socks and underwear for the last four days. Shrug, I don’t care, my clothes are clean. :D
commented 2016-03-24 10:07:04 -0400
Hah. Too funny. Thanks, Gavin.
commented 2016-03-24 01:41:22 -0400
Everything he said makes sense. I would just like to add that playing Mozart during child birth helps to calm things down.
commented 2016-03-23 19:35:27 -0400
As a mother of six children when epidurals were not available and AMAZINGLY who managed to survive, as well as all my babies, I am puzzled by the preponderance of endless drama being spouted by today’s namby-pamby women about the “horrors” of childbirth, as if they were the only persons in world to ever undergo such “torture”. While the process may be a trifle more distressful than Gavin satirically stated, it is a normal and easily forgettable process once that precious baby is in one’s arms.
commented 2016-03-23 17:32:17 -0400
I love sarcasm.
commented 2016-03-23 16:49:23 -0400
Truer words were never spoken… Especially the bit about having a flask handy.
commented 2016-03-23 13:08:43 -0400
Thanks Gavin, great advice. LOL!
commented 2016-03-23 12:55:23 -0400
Cute, but you may lose that finger if you follow Gavin’s suggestions for pacifying a woman in labour who is denied pain relief. Deny her by all means but then step away, just step away.
commented 2016-03-23 12:35:00 -0400
Funny, Gavin! Real funny!
commented 2016-03-23 12:19:33 -0400
queue the predictable freakout….